Will this stop a debt crisis?

An open letter to David Cameron

Dear David,

I noticed recently, that you have adopted a rather mind boggling side sweep hair ‘do.

I don’t know if you are a fashion follower but the likes of David Beckham , leonardo dicaprio and Ryan Reynolds (pictured below) also have this lovely ‘do.

Now, I suspect this might be a vain attempt to get us to trust you. It won’t work, in fact you just look like a pillock.

So please spare us the fashion forward looks and get on with stopping the double dip recession, making up with your wife Nick Clegg (who was last seen crying behind the bike sheds at number 10)

Alternatively put Ryan Reynolds in charge. Probably just as useless, but the man can pull off a quiff.

Thanks

A note to my fat neighbour…

I got 5 hours sleep last night.

Now, to some of you this may seem too little, to some too much. However, as a person who can’t bloody function without eight I am one grumpy mo-fo this morning.

Why? I hear you ask? Because of a lady I’ve endearingly called ‘Cornetto’.

To give my lovely readers some context on this, I  should let you know that I live in a first floor flat underneath one other couple. When we were shown round to view the people that sold it conveniently left out that a 200 TONNE ELEPHANT WAS LIVING ABOVE US! Think Dawn French + Pavarotti and you get a good idea of how fat our neighbour is.

So Last night at 11pm , 12.30 am, 2 am and 4 am she got up and walked along the bedroom floor, the boards cracking under her weight and our ceiling straining to hold the weight. We are already lookign into getting the ceiling re-inforced…

As a result, in homage to the selfish cow who chose to live above us even thought she is grossly overweight, here is why you are a sub standard human.

1. Cornettos – You cannot get your giant belly into the car but everytime I see you drivng you are eating a cornetto ice cream. GLUTTONY!

2. Selfish – You leave all your shopping at the bottom of the stairs at a block of flats for everyone to trip over because you can’t be arsed to lift it up there yourself . LAZY!

3.  Cheeky – You accused us of creating strain on the floor boards downstairs of OUR NEIGHBOURS! (I weigh 8 1/2 stone btw) and yes I did tell you in response that the combined weight of my partner and I is not nearly as much as you FATTY!

4.  Idle – You only ever move to do the following …. EAT (yep that’s it)

5. Wasting my money – on bloody NHS help groups, liposuction, eating programmes etc.. because you can’t exercise self control. Go for a bloody run and stop wasting my time and risking the lives of people who actually aare REALLY ILL.

In conclusion, SCREW YOU OBESE CITIZENS!